All I know Is
for Ayla
All I know is that life will never be the same but it does carry on and you can be with me in a new way, though the pangs of my grief hit me when I write that. I know the pain will never go away but maybe I can except even just a little that you are not here and that the buds on the oaks do come out and I discover new things like a fresh apple oak this morning under your favourite tree in the park. I can talk to you though these new things even though I want it another way. I understand that this is a way, another way even though I hate it I find it beautiful at the same time, who could know grief would be so contrary. This is life now talking to you though a tree, a bird, a tiny flower that you loved eating, all remind me of you but I don’t turn away now. I don’t always feel guilt from a smile, I know you want me to smile this is why you show me these things, these beautiful natural things so we can share between the worlds, another wave of grief. It upsets me to be here to feel a softness and still miss you.
By Anaïs Hall
Holy Lament member
